Mr and Mrs Who
by PresidentTheAwesome
Summary: Series of short drabbles based on River and The Doctor
1. Jaw ache

**First instalment, got many ideas for this so updates should be regular ;D**

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Jaw ache**

''Urgh! This is all your fault'' River rubbed her jaw in attempt to sooth her pain.

''How is it my fault? You were the instigator and weren't exactly complaining at the time '' River just groaned in response ''oh, shush!''

''Why don't you make me!''

''Fine. I will''

River looked up at him in surprise, ''…okay, but don't put it in my mouth this time! I still have jaw ache from yesterday…''

He tugged proudly on his lapels ''I'll take that as a compliment Doctor Song''


	2. Patience is a virtue

**Another naughty one ;)**

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Patience is a virtue **

''River'' he groaned into her neck ''I can't wait much longer…''

''Just, hold it in'' she breathed as he continued to push her backwards through the corridor towards their room

''_I can't_'' he whined

''Well try''

''It's harder than you think you know!'' she chuckled at his comment, interpreting it more favourably

''Oh I bet it is…'' she had already expertly whipped off his bowtie, proceeding further south undoing buttons until finally she was fumbling with his trouser button and zip whilst he was started to suck at the base of her neck, making her gasp and whimper. Eventually she was roughly pushed into their door and she had to feel blindly behind her for the door handle, pushing it open they both stumbled through; all hands, touchy feely and grope-y…

River was just about to slip her hand into his trousers fully when they heard a loud cough somewhere inside the room,

''Uhm, your rooms 3 doors that way…'' their daughter Alecia said quickly, pointing right towards the direction of their room

**Woah, 3****rd**** update I've done in one night! Although, it's morning now…**


	3. Blackmail

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Blackmail**

River gasped as she felt a pair of eager lips tease their way up her neck. Her mind went momentarily fuzzy when the familiar hands trailed beneath her shirt, tracing upwards across her stomach making her breathing become shallow and raspy,

''please my love''

''say it'' the low voice tickled her ear, and she tipped her head back onto his shoulder,

''…never''

He pulled away slightly but his hands remained splayed across her abdomen ''shame''

''Fine. Bowties are...'' She gulped when his fingers slipped beneath her waistband ''…_cool_…''

They were the last words spoke for a very long while.


	4. Impatient

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Impatient**

''Sweetie, are you finished yet?''

''Not quite, lean forward a bit more''

''Well, hurry up! You'll have to go faster!''

''This is not something you can rush River! You know it can take me a while''

''Then you're not doing it right!''

''Oh come of it'' he scoffed ''I've done this a hundred times''

''Ouch! Careful''

''Sorry, couldn't get it through the hole''

''Right, get off. I'll get someone else to do it!''

''Okay, I've finished now! No patience with you is there?''

''Finally, took you long enough…''

''Oi! Corset laces are tricky!''


	5. Birds and the Bees

**I would of made this chapter longer but it wouldn't of been a drabble so apologies if it seems a little rushed. It is longer than most of the other ones so far :) **

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Birds and the Bees**

''Dad''

''Yes'' replied the Doctor absentmindedly, still fiddling with the wiring underneath the console

''You know the baby in mum's tummy?''

He started to panic, _Oh god__,__ please don't let this happen to me now_ ''...yes…''

''How did it get there?''

''Uhm, well… you see'' he now started twirling the screwdriver nervously '' maybe you should ask your mother-,''

''I did. She said ask you because you put it there''

More nervous fiddling.

''Ah, right, of course she did.. Uhm.. It's difficult for me to explain…''

''Mum said, that you said, that we wouldn't have any more baby brothers or sisters but you got 'carried away' so now there is a baby in mum's tummy. I want to know how you put the baby in there?''

''_River_!''

''It's okay if you don't know the answer dad. Mum said it was an accident-,''

''_RIVER_!'' the person on question strolled into the console room looking irritated,

''What! What's all the shouting for?''

''Dad doesn't know how he put the baby in your tummy'' The Doctor, now bright red, rushed from the console room; patting River on the shoulder as he did,

''I'll leave you to explain this one''

**Couldn't really think of a fitting ending to this one as I can't really imagine the Doctor being able to explain it without getting all.. Embarrassed. I hope it worked out okay ;D**


	6. Vampire love bites

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Vampire love bites**

''Mum, what's that on your neck?''

''What's what sweetheart?''

''That purple mark underneath your ear'' River's hand snapped up over the bruise and she shot the Doctor a piercing look. He was glad to see River uncomfortable for a change; it was usually him that was faced with awkward situations, but not today and he felt an immense satisfaction at the look on River's face as she tried to hide the bite mark

''Oh! Uhm… Nothing''

''No it's definitely something'' Amelia got up and walked over to her mother, trying to inspect the mark ''oh god mum! Is that, is that a _hickey_?''

''Dad, what's a hickey?'' George whispered whilst the other two argued,

''Uhm.. Like a bite..''

''A _bite_? Like a vampire bite?''

The doctor smirked, ''If you like'' they both looked up when they heard Amelia's loud voice,

''Urgh dad, that is disgusting!'' George's eyes widened and he looked up at his father in shock and mouthed the word 'vampire' before running out of the room.

River sighed, ''Now look what you've done. Scared our children…'' the amusement evident in her voice

''Excuse me, just because they can see yours. I must have about four on my thigh''

''…And on your back…''

''What?''

''Nothing…''


	7. Not what it looks like

**Before I start: Sorry about the wait! I've been updating my other story that's been neglected since I've been too busy writing Doctor/River stuff. Anyway, I'm back now! Hope you enjoy :)**

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Not what it looks like**

Muffled giggling could be heard through the TARDIS' doors followed by a hushed voice,

''_River_'' he hissed ''will you stop that. They could walk in any minute now''

''Don't pretend you don't like it'' she purred, repeating the act

''That's beside the poin,-aahhha River!'' he wiggled uncomfortably from underneath her in their position on the floor as their bedroom had been that bit too far away, the console room had worked just as efficiently, ''seriously, if you don't stop it, I will handcuff your hands together and leave you here with no clothes''

She pouted, ''really?'' something clicked and the Doctor looked up to see his wrist handcuffed to the console

''_River_! Uncuff me right now, your parents-,'' he was cut off mid-sentence as the TARDIS doors opened and Amy and Rory walked in

''So really Rory it's only been about-, Oh! Oh my god!'' Amy quickly snapped a hand over her eyes and turned around, ''seriously, you two! In the console room?'' Rory glowered at where the two were situated; River stood in front of the doctor in nothing but his shirt and the Doctor hidden behind River's legs in well, nothing at all so thank god River was blocking their view.

''Oh, hello Ponds…'' the doctor peeped his head round River's legs and waved sheepishly with his free hand ''Uhm, do you mind turning round… I erm… Appear to have, uhm, lost my trousers… Yes! That's it, River was helping me locate the whereabouts of my trousers!''

_Of course she was._

**Please leave a comment ;D**


	8. A bets a bet

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**A bets a bet**

''No way''

''You don't even know what the stakes are yet''

''Because I know it's going to be something totally unreasonable and silly''

''River. I am deeply hurt'' he put a hand over his hearts in mock defensiveness ''that you could even think that _anything _I say is _totally unreasonable and silly_''

''Just get on with it sweetie''

''Hmph. I was going to say, that if you win; I will give you directions to my secret hat collection and let you shoot, throw away, burn, blow up and torture to any means necessary any if not all of my hats''

''You seem sure of yourself to risk something you love so much so willingly. What's in it for you I wonder?''

''I get to eat all the fish fingers and custard I want,-''

''Is that all? You do that anyway''

He smirked ''you didn't let me finish – eat all the fish custard I want, off of you-,'' she opened her mouth to protect but he covered it with his hand ''and yes, you have to be completely naked''

_Later_

He burst through the TARDIS doors, shrugging of his jacket and preceding to loosen his bowtie ''River! Get those clothes off now''

''You cheated!'' she scolded from the console ''you can't just go forward in time and make sure your correct just so you can win a silly bet''

''Firstly, I told you that nothing I say or do is ever 'silly' and secondly, I didn't cheat; there was nothing in the rules that said anything against using a time machine. In fact, there weren't even any rules so what you just said was totally irrelevant''

She crossed her arms and huffed, ''I'm still not doing it''

''Oh I think you'll find you are, a bets a bet River Song so start mixing that custard''


	9. The closet

**These seem to be getting magically longer every update, hmm… **

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**The closet**

Amy was wondering the TARDIS corridors in search of her River; she'd disappeared to look for the Doctor some time ago and still hadn't returned…

Just as she was walking along yet another corridor, one of the doors swung open and the Doctor stumbled, no; fell out of a very small, teeny tiny room. His hair was all over the place, one brace hung loosely by his side, his shirt was hastily buttoned up wrong and he had lipstick smears all over his mouth, chin, neck and even some on the visible parts of his chest,

''Amy!'' he squeaked, desperately trying to do up the zip on his trousers and wipe the lipstick off his face with the back of his hand.

''Doctor… That's a closet…'' she heard some muffled cursing come from inside the cupboard as whoever was inside had just knocked over a mop and it toppled out into the corridor ''Doctor, is my daughter in there?''

''Uhm'' he thought carefully for a moment about his answer, _was that a trick question?_ ''No…''

''What do you mean 'no', it better had be!''

''I mean yes! Yes it is'' Just then, River tripped out into the corridor; her tightly fitted jeans twisted around her waist and her shirt too, like the Doctor's was ruffled and hung off one shoulder revealing more of her black bra than what was publically descent.

''You, you've just… In a mop closet!''

''Well…'' the Doctor started to explain, ''It was kind of urgent''

''Urgh! I can't believe you two, a _closet_. You better hope I don't tell Rory'' she said, giving them a stern look before turning to walk back in the direction she came from, shouting over her shoulder; ''and put your clothes on properly before you get back! Honestly…''

The Doctor looked horrified, ''I can't believe that just happened…''

''Oh sweetie, she's my mother and to be honest it just made it more exiting, getting caught'' she added with a saucy wink. The Doctor sighed, re-doing his bowtie but was stopped by River placing her hand over it ''and what do you think you're doing?''

''Getting dressed, there's no way I could possibly carry on aft-,'' his was cut off mid-sentence by River yanking him back into the closet by his bowtie.


	10. Baby knows best

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Baby knows best**

''Aww, River he's so adorable!'' Amy squealed, coddling over her and Rory's newest grandchild

''Of course he is!'' the Doctor piped up ''just look at his parents… Especially his father'' River rolled her eyes,

''Let's hope he gets your modesty as well shall we'' the baby gurgled, flailing his small arms in the air

''What's that little one?'' he asked the baby, ''oh that's Rory's nose; no, no it's real'' Rory put a hand over his nose as if to defend it and the Doctor re positioned the baby in his arms ''Haha! Well yes I suppose it does look a bit like a potato'' River and Amy started laughing at the look on Rory's face as he continued to hide his nose, ''and yes, mummy's hair is real too. I suppose it does bounce around a lot. What's that?'' he paused again as the baby continued to babble then looked up at Amy ''Oh, no it's not on fire, its _ginger_''

''Great'' sighed Rory, ''my grandson thinks Amy's caught fire and I'm a potato…''

''Oh you want your mum now, okay then'' he carefully handed the baby to River who began to bounce him slightly in her arms,

''Ooooh'' she cooed in a baby voice ''who's my gorgeous boy them, hum?''

''Well… I don't like to brag'' the Doctor re-adjusted his bowtie smugly and the baby started gurgling again ''what? No, my chin is not made out of plastic! And stop laughing at my pants, they're meant to be that short''

''At least he won't inherit your dress sense'' Amy snorted between giggles.

**Wrote this uber quick as I wanted to post yesterday. Sorry for any spelling errors… ;D**


	11. All muscly muscles

**Bit of a long-ish one. Just sort of kept going with the dialogue.**

**Also, I got past the 20****th**** bench mark of reviews so thanks! They're what make me keep going ;D**

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**All muscly muscles **

''River Song!'' boomed a tanned, muscly looking man. The Doctor and River turned round (reluctantly in River's case) to whoever the voice belonged to – she already knew of course who it was. She just wished she didn't have to be confronted by him, especially whilst the Doctor was there.

''Oh, hello Mike... How are you?''

''Ohh, you know. Same old, never been quite the same since you left though if you get my drift'' he added seductively with a smug wink ''how long has it been, what six years? And I must say you haven't changed one bit'' he looked her up and down, his eyes skimming every inch of her body causing the Doctor to cough loudly,

''I'm sorry. Do I know you?'' he said quickly, the obvious displeasure evident on his face at the sight of this man practically undressing his wife with his eyes.

''Doctor, this is Mike, an old friend-,''

''_Friend_?Come on River, we were more than just friends. Friends with benefits more like'' he corrected her quickly, slipping one arm around her waist and pulling her into his chest much to the discomfort of River. The Doctor eyed him sceptically; typical man for his type he thought, all bulging muscles and long shoulder length blonde hair tied back in a pony. His white vest top contracted tightly over his overly large arms and chest making him look all tough and manly-y compared to the Doctor, stood there in his customary tweed suit and bowtie…

He was pulled from his thoughts when he noticed this man's hand travel far too far down River's back then he cared to witness ''Mike!'' River started, swatting his hand away from where it had come to rest on the top of her thigh ''I'm married, this is the Doctor, my husband'' she stepped away from him to stand with the Doctor, looping her arm through his,

''Yes that's my wife you were just fawning over''

''Married! My god River, you finally allowed someone to make an honest woman of you! You know Doctor, I proposed to her _three times_ and she didn't accept once, not _once_ I tell you!''

The Doctor just beamed with pride at the thought of River choosing him rather than this man that towered over them both.

''Yes well… It was nice seeing you Mike. Must get back now, because uhm,-''

''Children'' the Doctor said, enjoying power he felt at having what this man had wanted with River ''our children will be waiting for us back home. Now if you don't mind we really must be going'' and with that he pulled River along with him down the street leaving a bemused looking Mike to stare after them.

''Really sweetie, could you not of been a little more delicate?''

''Delicate, _delicate_. I'll give him delicate; he had his hands all over you River! And those muscles, he looked ridiculous, oh and the pony tail, _stupid_!'' River looked at him and raised her eyebrow smirking,

''Sweetie are you _jealous_?''

''No, of course not…'' he mumbled

''Really?'' she teased

''Maybe… He had big muscles River! Really muscly muscles!'' he brought up his own arm, demonstrating with his other hand how big his muscles were, ''Oh hello! I'm Mike; I like to wear tight vests to make my muscles look even muscly-er. I have a pony tail and enjoy bragging about how I used to sleep with your wife''

''Oh my love, I'd rather have a bowtie and braces any day'' she slipped her fingers under each brace and pulled him closer until her breath was on his neck

''Really?''

''Always''


	12. Just the way you are

**Wasn't sure whether to do this as a separate one shot or not as it's not really a drabble as its pretty long, urgh, damn my inability to stop writing after a few sentences ¬_¬**

**Anyway, enjoy! ;D**

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Just the way you are**

River stood in front of the floor length mirror, observing herself from every angle in nothing but her underwear. She wasn't usually bothered by it but after recently giving birth to her fourth (and most definitely final – she'd made it very clear that this was to be their final) child she couldn't help but feel that her body wasn't what it used to be – she was still lean and slim but with every child her hips got that bit wider, her stomach got that bit more difficult to tone and her chest had more than doubled in size – not that the Doctor ever complained of course, he found all these changes beautiful and loved her all the more for it.

It was just as she turned to view herself sideways when the Doctor walked in, ''River what are you doing?''

She huffed, ''Look at me! Doctor, be honest. Do you think I look fat?''

''River, you've just had a baby. You're bound to be carrying a little more extra weight-,''

''Yes then'' she sighed and he continued to walk over to her and wrapped his arms around her middle, placing his hands over hers on her stomach,

''No, I didn't say that'' he kissed her shoulder, ''I love everything about you River Song, every mark, every bump, every little stretch of extra weight because they are from our children and are a part of you'' he had watched her in the mirror from where his chin rested on her shoulder and saw that she was smiling but still didn't look convinced ''and you know you'll lose the weight in no time anyway''

''I suppose your right… But my hips will never be the same again''

''Oh I don't know,'' he smoothed his hands over the dip in her waist down to the tops of her thighs where they came to rest on her hips ''I think they make you more sexy-yer''

''Well, I suppose there are some benefits then'' she smirked, turning round in his arms to lace her hands round his neck

''I have no idea what you're talking about'' he said innocently, tracing a hand over the dimples on her lower back and she stiffened slightly, biting her lip; he knew perfectly well what he was doing.

''Something the matter Doctor Song?'' he teased, still letting his fingers dance over the skin just above her underwear and she giggled,

''Stop it, you know that tickles''

He kept on doing it, ''yes, I do''

She growled playfully and started backing him towards their bed, sliding his braces down as she did. The backs of his knees hit the mattress and he tumbled backwards, bringing River down on top of him. It was all kissing and hands wandering, she untucked his shirt and started grazing her nails over his abdomen just as he snaked his hands round her back and started toying with the fastener on her bra, his fingers fumbled with clasp for a while and he was just about to unclip it when they both heard a quiet whimpering from one of the other rooms in the TARDIS and they both stopped, still breathing heavily and River still had hold of his bottom lip between her teeth. They listened carefully to the sounds of their new-ish born baby and gradually the whimpering grew louder into wailing. River let go of his lip and started to lift herself off him but he kept a firm hold of her waist and nuzzled the underside of her jaw, ''leave him, he'll quieten down soon'' he started, trying to tempt her into staying,

''No, I think he's probably hungry'' she said, detangling herself from his arms and when she looked up he was pouting, ''Oh, don't sulk. Stay there, I'll be back in a minute''

''You better had be…'' he grumbled as she slid off the bed, put on her dressing gown and glided into the corridor leaving the Doctor half-dressed and looking completely ruffled spread across their bed.

**Took me a while to write that, just kept rambling and then towards the end I got stuck but wanted to post before bed so I wrote it speedily ;D**


	13. Breakfast shenanigans

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Breakfast shenanigans **

River stood by the oven making pancakes when the Doctor slinked up behind her, hooked his arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck behind her ear,

''Sweetie, my parents will walk in any minute for breakfast, do you think you could wait until after?'' she said, unsticking a pancake with the spatula and turning it over

''Not really no…'' he murmured into her shoulder, creeping his hands further down her front. He was just weighing up the possibility of kitchen counter sex when she pushed his wandering hands away,

''Ah, ah, ah! You can do that later, go and sit down'' she nudged him with her elbow and he reluctantly shuffled over to the table as Amy and Rory walked in,

''Morning Ponds!'' he said chirpily

''Good morning Doctor'' Amy took the seat facing him and Rory sat beside her,

''Morning - are those pancakes River?'' Rory asked, turning round to face his daughter

''Yes, she finally decided to bloody cook for once'' the Doctor cut in, lacing his fingers together over the table

''Shut up - why yes they are, how many do you want?''

''I'll have five please-,''

Amy grimaced, ''urgh, Rory your such a pig''

''What?'' he said trying to look hurt but wasn't very successful as River placed a pile of pancakes in front of him and he started to demolish them quickly.

River then placed three pancakes on a plate and handed them to Amy then four for the Doctor and she would have about two or three herself. She placed both hers and the Doctor's plates on the table together and jumped slightly when she felt him pinch her bum but she just pursed her lips together and sat down; ignoring the smug grin the Doctor was beaming at her.

Breakfast was relatively peaceful, they chatted and laughed about things that had happened on their adventures, talked about the children, caught up on what had happened whilst Amy and Rory were back home. River was just explaining an incident that happened a few weeks ago when the TARDIS had zero gravity for over three hours because the Doctor had done something silly to the controls when she felt his hand on her knee, normally she wouldn't have been bothered by it and would often return the gesture, but after what happened this morning, she was sure he was after more than just playful flirting.

She continued the story best she could, refusing to look at the Doctor as she knew what he wanted. His hand groped further up her thigh under her dressing gown and she gasped,

''River? Are you okay?'' Rory mumbled through a mouthful of pancakes

''Of course'' she squeaked, wriggling uncomfortably in her chair and swatting the Doctor's hand away under the table ''never better''

Amy was relatively quiet through the remainder of breakfast, eyeing River and the Doctor suspiciously across the table. Rory; despite having the most pancakes finished first and left the kitchen unaware after placing his plate in the sink.

''Right'' River started, getting up from the table ''I'm going for a shower'' she gave the Doctor a slight wink and left for the bedroom leaving Amy and the Doctor alone. He waited for a few minutes, ignoring the dirty looks her got from Amy before casually standing up and placing the remaining dishes in the sink,

''Well, I think I'll just go and fix some of the wiring-,''

''Don't think I didn't notice Doctor'' Amy said sharply, ''Rory might of not of realised but I certainly did-,''

''I have no idea what you're taking about Pond'' he said, straightening his lapels as Amy rose from the table,

''Oh yes you do, I suggest in future you don't feel up my daughter under the breakfast table whilst I'm trying to eat my breakfast thankyou very much. I don't mind whatever… shenanigansyou get up to alone is your own business… Just, I don't know, keep your hands to yourself yeah?'' she patted him on the shoulder and left the kitchen.

**Eeesh, not happy at all with the quality of this chapter… Anyway, please leave a comment :D**


	14. Code word

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Code word**

''Where do you think you're going dad?'' Amelia said curtly and the Doctor wrung his hands together nervously ''uhm, well, I just need to go and, urr, make some changes on the TARDIS con-,''

''Oh no you don't. I know your're going to go off to sneakily find mum for a quickie - and don't deny it!'' she added quickly as he opened his mouth to object ''your're supposed to be helping me with my university assignment and all you've done is sit here and fidget''

''Amelia Song'' he said sounding scandalised ''I seek no such thing as a 'quickie' and don't let your mother here you talk like that. Honestly… Such language for a young lady…''

''Oh come off it dad, I know it's your code word-,''

''I'm sorry, my _what_?''

''Your code word. You'd always say, 'your mother and I need to fix the TARDIS' and then we'd know what you were up to and to leave you alone; seriously, how many times does the TARDIS need 'fixing' over one day?'' The Doctor was blushing furiously and had to tug slightly on his collar, seriously wishing he was somewhere else,

''I can assure you Amelia, you have no idea what you're talking about''

''Yeah, yeah whatever. Go on, go and tinker with your precious TARDIS. I'll let the rest of your children know not to bother you or that they were possibly made during one of you're and mum's '_fixing__'_ sessions. God knows they'd be scarred for life… And please try and tell mum to keep the noise down''

The Doctor - now beetroot red, edged out of the room as quickly as possible and Amelia just laughed, she loved making her parents feel uncomfortable, it wasn't so easy with River but with the Doctor you could just be discussing underwear and he'd blush with embarrassment ''oh, and as for my naughty 'language', I had to learn it from someone''

'River' he thought, _Those two are just _too_ similar… _


	15. Cupcakes

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Cupcakes**

The Doctor dumped some flour into a bowl whilst River attempted to whisk an egg, splattering yolk all over her front. The Doctor laughed causing River to raise her eyebrow at him,

''You could just let me do it, God knows you can't cook…''

''I can too cook!'' he merely grinned and dipped his finger into the mixture and tapped her nose. River looked at him, disapprovingly at first and then smirked and flicked some of the yolk in his face causing him squeeze his eyes shut and wrinkle up his nose.

''River Song, you're going to pay for that greatly'' he whispered, using one hand to pull her into him whilst the other sneakily reached for the bowl containing the gloopy cupcake mixture. He kissed her gently, still raising the bowl over her head. When she realised he wasn't kissing her back, only feeling his smug smile against her lips, she opened her eyes and looked up at him seeing the all too familiar mischievous glint in his eyes and started to panic. She glanced up and saw the bowl dangerously hovering a good arm's reach above her head,

''You wouldn't dare'' she said sternly, snapping her gaze over to him where he continued to beam proudly,

''Oh wouldn't I now?'' the Doctor replied calmly and he pulled her in even tighter against his chest so she couldn't escape.

''Doctor, I mean it. If that goes over my head I swear we won't be sharing the same bed for a _very_ long time''

''Really?'' the Doctor asked, pretending to think it through very carefully ''hmm, I think I'll take the risk, we both know that's an empty threat dear''

Her eyes widened in shock as he looked back at the bowl, he flipped it over and cringed as the gooey and yet floury substance spilled all over her hair and face. Still holding her against him, he replaced the bowl on the counter and smiled at the fuming look on her face as she wiped the mixture away from her eyes

''You'' she hissed, flicking the cupcake mix off her fingers ''had better start running''

''Wouldn't you rather just have angry cooking sex instead?'' he suggested, loosening his grip on her lower back then started backing towards the door when he realised she had picked up the same bowl he had used on her only it was empty.. And if she wasn't going to pour the contents over his head, it meant she was going to crack him with it instead.

''No? Well that's a shame, was rather looking forward to-,'' he stopped talking when she raised the bowl getting ready to launch it and he sprinted from the kitchen popping his head round the corner ''Just so you know, you got my handprint printed on your b-,'' he ducked just in time as the bowl smashed over his head.


	16. Work load

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Work load**

River was sat up in bed, knees pulled up to her chest so she could balance papers across them. All week she'd been busy with archaeology stuff, locking herself in her office all day to file papers and fill in assignments – she even ate meals in her office and now, she had brought the work to bed. The Doctor sulkily climbed into bed next to her and waited for her to notice him but she continued to riffle through papers and notes and all kinds of boring looking stuff with words on it.

''River'' he sat up a little more ''are you going to be doing this all night?''

''No sweetie'' she answered, still not taking her eyes on then paper in front of her ''but it is rather important and I need it finished by tomorrow''

They were silent for a moment as the Doctor continued to watch her rather impatiently and then an idea occurred to him, ''_Riverrrr_''

''What is it sweetie?'' her eyes still skimming over her notes, she looked up when she felt his hand on her knee and start to swing it playfully

''Can't you do that later, I mean, I know something else we could be doing right now and it'll be much more beneficial'' he said suggestively

She sighed and gave him a stern look as he continued to swing her leg and upset the papers ''I highly doubt that what you're thinking of is more beneficial than my paper work and tomorrow morning when it's due in, I can hardly say it's not finished because I was too busy satisfying my husband now can I?''

''Time machine…'' he nuzzled her ear

''No''

''Aww come on… I've hardly seen you all week'' he now started placing open mouthed kisses along her neck and she closed her eyes for a moment as his tongue dated over her hot skin. He slowly kissed his way down to her chest when she snapped her eyes open and nudged him away,

''Stop it. You're, making this very, extremely... difficult'' she said a little breathlessly. He pushed her knees down enough to get his leg over and actually knocked the paperwork off their bed,

''That's the general idea my love'' he chuckled, biting her shoulder

She opened her eyes again and saw him hovering above her and wondered when he had managed to nestle himself between her legs ''you're not going to leave me alone are you?''

''…Nope''

''If I let you have sex with me, will you leave me to do my work in peace…?''

He chuckled and this time looked up to meet her eyes, '''let', River you make it sound as though you could of resisted my advances-,''

''Just get on with it…''

_Definitely more beneficial._

**Wrote pretty quickly (again), just wanted to post SOMETHING before I went out :) **


	17. Never ever

**I grace you with another chapter because of your wonderful reviews ;D**

**Here's the second chapter in one day you lucky beans!**

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Never ever**

''_Please_ dad''

''No''

''Pretty please daddy, I love you''

''Still no''

''But mum has one!''

''Yes well, your mother knows I'm not fond of it''

''I'll only use it in emergencies?''

''I said no''

''Why is mum allowed one but I'm not?''

''Well, just – because!''

''…She said I could have one!''

''Humph. She would say that''

''Urgh, dad just stop being so difficult!''

''There is no way in the whole of time and space I'm letting you have one. They cause nothing but trouble-,''

''Come off it dad. For god's sake even YOU let her use it on you sometimes…''

''That's beside the point… The answer is still no''

''Why are you so against me having one?''

''Because… You have to use you're… I don't want you kissing random strangers! And don't even bother saying '_Oh but you let mum do it_' because I don't 'let her do it' she just goes ahead and does it anyway regardless of what I think, so for the last time, _no_''

''But-,''

''Shush''

''Why-,''

''Shshh''

''_Dad!_''

''SHHHH! End discussion''

_Later_

''River, what the hell was going through your head when you said to our daughter that she was allowed her own hallucinogenic lipstick?''


	18. Lacy knickers and silk bathrobes

**Don't really like this one but what the hell, just getting back into writing non-depressive, light hearted stories. Just a quick one I cooked up :)**

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Lacy knickers and silk bathrobes**

''_Doctor_. We are going to be _late!_''

''_River_'' he mimicked, ''we are not going to be late. Time machine remember, and how d'you know were going to be late if we've not even set off and are 200 years _before_ we actually said we'd be there?''

''Because you'll insist on driving…'' she grumbled, still not dressed and trying to fluff up her hair whilst holding her bathrobe together, ''could you pass me some black underwear please, in the top drawer?''

''_Fine…_'' he rifles through her drawer whilst she tugs on a short black cocktail dress. ''No… no… _no_, ah ha!'' he grins, holding up a lacy black thong and eyeing it appreciatively, ''definitely this one…'' he muttered, not speaking to anyone in particular,

''Sweetie?''

''Yes, right – here'' he rambled, flinging the garment at her and she stepped into them, displaying that smug smile she carries so well.

''What? What are you grinning at?'' The Doctor asked nervously,

''Nothing my love, come on I'm ready now''

They left for the party they intended to go to – they were of course, late. The Doctor had gotten into trouble with some Sontarans, to cut a long story short, they'd ran from the exploding palace within an inch of their lives.

''Will we _ever_ just have a normal outing?'' River huffed, batting shards of debris from her hair,

''Most likely not…''

''I'm going to have to wash my hair. _Again_.'' She started to peel her dress off, slipping out of her shoes in the process, ''hand me my bathrobe please sweetie''

''What did your last slave die of?'' he grumbled, pulling the silky material off the back of the door and handing it to her,

''Severe beatings. And it's not slavery, here'' she catapulted her knickers at him and they landed on his head, ''payment''

**Next one will be up tomorrow and it WILL be much better ;D**


	19. Jack's Stag

**As promised, another chapter the very next day ;D**

_**I don't own Doctor Who.**_

**Jack's Stag**

The Doctor was drunk. Him and Rory had gone with Jack for a 'few drinks' on another one of Jack's stag parties.

''Honey, I'm home!'' he shouted, almost tripping over as he stumbled through the TARDIS doors,

''And what sort of time do you call this? Seriously, what did you say again, 'I won't overdo it'''

''You look beautiful'' he slurred,

''These are my pyjamas sweetie'' River sighed. He really was quite something when he was sloshed, ''they are what someone usually wears when going to bed''

''Well, you shouldn't of bothered. I wouldn't have minded…''

''Hey!'' Rory also tripped through the doors, ''father entering the room. No filthy talk whilst _I'm_ here thankyou very much'' he added with a sloppy wave.

''River, whens dinner? I am shhhtarved. Could really eat some fish custard right now…''

''Dinner was over 12 hours ago sweetie. Its two o'clock in the morning'' then she turned to address her father, ''mums furious by the way''

Rory groaned.

''You know'' piped up the Doctor and clapping Rory on the shoulder, ''that sometimes, _sometimes_ she lets me lick the custard off of her!''

Rory paled. ''Doc-,''

''And sometimes, if she's been a very good girl, I let her use her hallucinogenic lipstick on me! Can you imagine the shenanigans she gets up to?''

''I think that's enough Doctor'' River cut in; slightly worried he was going to go into deep discussion about their sex life, but it just seemed to encourage him further.

''Do you know, one time, we even had sex in your shed!''

''I said that's enough!'' He immediately shut up, looking at her sheepishly whilst Rory tried to stay focused, going cross eyed.

''You'' she pointed at the Doctor, ''get yourself to bed. I'll be there in a minute'' His face lit up and he saluted before stumbling towards their bedroom, smacking her backside shamelessly as he passed her. ''that's not what I meant. I have to make sure _he_ gets home in one piece''

_10 minutes later._

River climbed into bed after safely seeing her dad back to his house. The Doctor snuggled up to her, wrapping an arm round her waist under the covers and nesting his face into her chest. She sighed contently until she felt something press into her leg,

''Doctor are you not wearing bottoms?''

''Nope, I told you not to bother with pyjamas'' he smiled cheekily then started grazing his lips sloppily on her chest just above her vest top

''Sweetie, not tonight. You're drunk. It would be taking advantage''

''Maybe I want you to take advantage… Isn't that what you do… _Mrs Robinson_…''

''Nope. I'm not in the mood and if I was, that certainly ruined it''

''What do you mean 'not in the mood', River Song you are always in the mood… In fact, come to think of it, I don't think there has ever been a time when you've been 'not in the mood'… Ever'' he finished in a low voice and the hand under the covers started tugging her pyjama bottoms down.

''Oi!'' she slapped his hand away, ''what did I just say? Now stop it. I'm still mad at you for all those things you so boldly shared with my father which was totally uncalled for by the way, I just hope he doesn't remember it in the morning. You do realise he may never allow us near that shed ever again? Doctor?'' she looked down and found him spread out across her lap. Snoring lightly and completely naked. _Oh the things she could do, this is going to be fun._

**Sorry if it seemed a little OOC, it was drunk Doctor .**


End file.
